


we can all hear you trying to fuck your plants, merle

by LemonLoveHeart



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Foster Family, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, Apartments, Chatting & Messaging, F/F, F/M, Gen, Group chat, M/M, basically the birds live in the apartment buildings above shops they own
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-19
Updated: 2019-02-19
Packaged: 2019-10-31 11:10:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17848331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LemonLoveHeart/pseuds/LemonLoveHeart
Summary: hot tamommy: koko please don’t kill the dwarf. he owes me money.nugmas sideburns: Why does he owe u money???hot tamommy: he got violin lessons for mookie and said he’d pay for the damagesluce: w,,,,,what damages?hot tamommy: that kid is a fucking nightmare. i love him.plant father: HEY! Fair.dad’nport: Please don’t disrespect my boyfriend’s son.





	we can all hear you trying to fuck your plants, merle

**Author's Note:**

> uh this is a guilty pleasure
> 
> essentially the birds all live in moonview square, a town square with a lot of shops in Faerun city. we’ll run into everybody EVENTUALLY (probably)

**birdhouse**

**taako tuesday:** merle, p L E A S E stop trying to fuck your rosebush. i can hear you next door.

**plant father:** Hey! Rosette needs love from me, just like you need love from your little detective friend ;)

**taako tuesday:** you guys better get your flowers now because we are about to NOT have a florist

**hot tamommy:** koko please don’t kill the dwarf. he owes me money.

**nugmas sideburns:** Why does he owe u money???

**hot tamommy:** he got violin lessons for mookie and said he’d pay for the damages

**luce:** w,,,,,what damages?

**hot tamommy:** that kid is a fucking nightmare. i love him.

**plant father:** HEY! Fair.

**dad’nport:** Please don’t disrespect my boyfriend’s son.

**plant father:** Babe, don’t lie, he’s alittle fireball.

**nagmus sideburns:** This is adorable, but EW dads!!!

**taako tuesday:** EW DADS!!!

**hot tamommy:** EW DADS!

**luce:** EW DADS!

**dead bod:** ew dads

**hot tamommy:** babe we had a thing going.

**dead bod:** rip

**taako tuesday:** does anyone else just LOVE how barold types like a wine mom trying to relate to her teenage son.

**luce:** it is a highlight of this groupchat.

**dead bod:** im definitely a wine mom. i’ve got the mom jeans. 

**hot tamommy:** not anymore you dont. 

**nagmus sideburns:** Guys, you’re scaring the shit out of Fisher, he’s freaking out bc he can hear u yelling. 

**hot tamommy:** please tell him im so fucking sorry oh my god

**nagmus sideburns:** He forgives you and loves you.

**hot tamommy:** if i have to be truly honest, fisher’s approval and love means the most to me

**hot tamommy:** sorry love of my life and also my twin brother

**taako tuesday:** okay besides this ULTIMATE betrayal, i have news to share

**luce:** s p i l l

**taako tuesday:** you remember when that guy spontaneously combusted in the middle of the square

**hot tamommy:** Gundren Rockseeker, yes, one of my most frequent but sadly super racist customers?

**taako tuesday:** ya him

**taako tuesday:** the hottie private investigator that had been hired to help figure out what exactly happened asked me on a date!

**nagmus sideburns:** WOAH! I AM VERY HAPPY FOR YOU TAAKO!!! 

**taako tuesday:** ya, chill your cool brick shithouse

**taako tuesday:** he wants to go to a pottery place, and I told him I’d find the perfect place

**taako tuesday:** so,,,,,, what’s the perfect pottery place  


Taako Yuknofrohmtivi is the chillest gay elven wizard alive, which, if we’re being honest, is quite a feat, given the nature of gays, elves, and wizards. Throw in the fact that he’s a fucking FANTASTIC baker, and you’ve got a recipe for drama queen disaster. But Taako is supes chill at all times.

Him? Having a twelve year long panic attack when he and his sister got separated and whisked away from each other before coming together under the care of two foster home dads that had fallen in love and just so happened to be fostering the other twin? Naaaaaaah. 

Although sometimes he can’t help but worry what could’ve happened if Merle and Davenport somehow hadn’t hit it off. He never would’ve seen his sister again. He…

Taako’s thoughts trail off when he suddenly feels his cheeks getting wet, “Nope! Taako doesn’t cry!” He yells out to his empty apartment, as if to assuage his own emotional issues. Suddenly his phone buzzes on his chest.

**tres horny bois**

 

**wood for brains:** Hey Taaks, you good? I just heard you faintly yell that you don't cry

**flowers for brains:** I’m coming over there.

**thorns for brains:** no! dont! i just got in my head a bit. no need to worry.

**wood for brains:** I’m coming too

**thorns for brains:** what the hell! i said im fine!

**wood for brains:** You’re using punctuation, and you said that punctuation is only for straight people and old people

**flowers for brains:** You’re not straight now are you? Cuz then I’d have to give you a straight sex talk.

 

Taako groans as the doorbell to his apartment rings. He slumps his way off the couch, and scooches like an inchworm to the door. “Go away!” He grumbles.

“Hey Magnus! Wanna try and pick this lock?” His dad’s voice answers, probably totally ignoring him. 

“Boy, do I!” Magnus shouts eagerly, which is just his normal tone.

Taako pushes himself off the hardwood with more grumbling than is probably necessary, and by the time he gets the lockpicking kit that the locksmith, Carey, gave him out his pocket, Taako is already throwing open the door. “You two suck.” He huffs softly, but he’s kind of glad they care enough to be here.

“I mean, I do. Straighty over here doesn’t.” Merle grins, making both Magnus and Taako recoil. “Ugh, grossarooni.” Taako mumbles before ushering the two of them away from his kitchen. “I’m not even straight.” Magnus grumbles quietly, “Don’t put that evil on me.”

“Okay, fine, sorry, champ.” Taako thought he might escape Merle, but then he turned towards him, “Tell us what’s up.”

“Nothing’s up, kemosabe.” Taako lies smoothly, settling down on the dramatic chaise lounge that Magnus built for his birthday.

“Well, yelling that you don’t cry to absolutely nobody isn’t the most promising, buuuut… if you’re sure you’re fine, then you wouldn’t mind a little Zone of Truth now would you?” 

Taako groans, “Fuck! I wouldn’t mind. Anything to get you guys out of my luxurious hair.”

Magnus reaches over and grabs Taako’s hand, who grabs Merle’s hand, who grabs Magnus’ other hand. “Alright, we’re in the Zone of Truth.” Merle announces.

Zone of Truth was this stupid thing they’d do when Magnus and Taako were still in high school and were just being fostered, not full on adopted yet. Merle used Zone of Truth to get the two of them to open up a bit, and let him in. They didn’t do it as often as they did back then, but sometimes they really need it.

“I’ll go first. I… really like Julia. God, she’s just… so perfect.” Magnus gushed. 

Of course, Julia is the star welder of the contracting business Magnus worked for sometimes. She’s gorgeous, and kind to boot. She obviously likes Magnus too, but he can never get his words straight around her.

“I think you should get your balls out of a twist and ask her out.” Taako murmurs, still tightly holding his dad and brother’s hands.

_“Taako.”_

“Okay, fair. I think you should go for it, bro. And if it doesn’t work out? Then it’s her loss.” He finds himself saying with a slight smile, internally happy that his brother could find someone to be happy with, especially after the last awful relationship.

“I’ll go next. I’m going to propose to Dav this weekend.”

Magnus and Taako splutter, “Woah woah woah, time out! That’s not a thing you can just spring on us!”

“Yeah! Like… I’m super proud of you and I hope it goes well. But still! Too sudden!” Magnus groans.

“I don’t think Dav would say no. You two are basically married already.”

“Still, I have to admit, I’m a little nervous. My last marriage didn’t go so well… I’m scared I’ll fuck this one up too. And I _really_ don’t wanna fuck this up, kids. I love Dav so much. He’s my soulmate. I don’t think I could handle hurting him like I did Hekuba.” Merle looks a bit stricken and Magnus and Taako share a look.

“Dad… it’ll be okay. Davenport loves you. You can tell in the way he tolerates your plants, your awful singing, and your late night rambling. It’s love.” Magnus reassures him, as Taako squeezes Merle’s hand tighter.

Merle chuckles a bit, and leans his head to wipe his face on his shoulder, a bit too shaky to let go of his sons.

“And you love him too. You guys watch old awful pirate movies and you couldn’t care less, but you stay awake to watch them because it’s Davenport. You two sit on the steps and feeds the birds outside, even if you call them flying rats. You two keep me up at night sometimes, dancing in your living room, but that’s alright. You two are so in love.” Taako can’t help but ramble, needing to make sure his dad was aware of how much love he’d poured into this relationship.

Merle was full on crying now, and he made no move to stop it or wipe his eyes under his glasses. Instead he looked to Taako, “Alright, your turn, kid.”

Taako took a deep breath, “I was just thinking of some bad what if’s. What if you’d never met Davenport and brought him over? What if you hadn’t had that awful portrait of us done and made him think that you somehow had a picture of own of his own foster kids? What if he’d thought nothing of it? What if I had missed Lup? So close, yet so far.” He realized that a few tears were dripping off of his nose as he considered the daunting possibility that he could’ve never seen his sister again.

“Well. It doesn’t help to think of that, Taaks.”

_“Magnus.”_

“I’m just saying! It didn’t happen. And it makes you sad to consider the possibility, so therefore, you shouldn’t. You found her again. And even if you hadn’t then, I’m sure there would’ve been some way for you to meet again. You two are an unstoppable duo. Nothing could’ve kept you apart for forever.” Magnus breaks the Zone of Truth to scoop his brother up in a hug.

Taako will murder anybody who tries to say that he really enjoyed that hug. Merle waddles over and hugs on him too. And it was… perfect.

Then 2 phones buzz. (Merle forgot his in his apartment). Taako lunges for his phone, eager to make it look like he wanted out of the hug.

 

**birdhouse**

 

**hot tamommy:** maybe try the chug and squeeze? it’s casual enough to not be nauseatingly fancy, and you get wine to do pottery.

**taako tuesday:** ooh, sounds good thx bby

 

“Are you gonna tell her about all this?” Magnus asks, leaning his big, thick head on Taako’s bony shoulder. “Of course not, are you insane?”

“I mean, maybe you should talk it ou-“ 

“Lalala! I can’t hear you if you’re not in my apartment!” Taako plugs his ears with his fingers, kicking at the two of them with his socked feet until they are beyond the doorway, to which he whips around, grabs two plates of pastries, and shoves them into their hands.

“Bye losers!” And the door is nudged closed by a purple mage hand cast over his shoulder with the wand he had tucked in his bun. 

The mage hand waves at them before the door is closed.

**Author's Note:**

> also check me out on tumblr for headcanons and other works ;)
> 
>  
> 
> and also suggest prompts for me
> 
> it’s opulentflipwizard


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